Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Narnia Rap
This is really old news, but it's still crazy-funny. If you haven't yet seen it, check out the Narnia Rap.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Thursday, February 02, 2006
One of the best stories I know
Disclaimer: I can never do justice to this story, but I will try anyway.
My sophomore year was the most exciting year of high school because it was the year of the Cat Killings. You might have heard about it--it was on the national news and Dateline and crap like that. Four senior hooligans--you know the type--got liquored up, broke into a local animal shelter and bludgeoned about twenty cats with baseball bats. It was not pretty. Uproar followed and animal rights activists and television crews invaded our town. However, the Cat Killers got off pretty easy in the end, and I'm not sure what happened to them in the long run. They are probably working at K-Marts or selling cars. The only Cat Killer's name I can remember is Lamansky, because it pertains to this story.
As I recall, the Cat Killings happened in the summer, and that fall we had this new English teacher named Mr. Volmecke (VOL-meck-y). He was straight out of college and used to wrestle and was in fact a wrestling coach at our high school. This is the only time I have heard of an English teacher doubling as a wrestling coach. He had black hair and big shoulders and thought he was Cab Calloway. He was always saying, "That guy was one cool cat," and other jive talk that sounded ridiculous. Needless to say, I didn't like him and mocked him at every opportunity. I mean, this was the guy teaching us Julius Caesar.
He didn't like me either but I don't blame him. He could sense my loathing. But don't blame me because I was just a smart-ass sixteen-year-old who had my own problems. I had skinny legs.
So it's homecoming. There's a big pep rally on Friday afternoon in the gym that we're all forced to attend. Mr. Volmecke has been asked to speak and is doing so, insanely. He's in full jive-talk mode, saying the football team was going to be riffin' on those yard-dogs and whatnot. He waved his arms and his eyes burned with hysteria. The crowd was into it and yelling and stamping. Volmecke screamed, "And I want you guys to cheer like crazy when Lamansky takes some cat's head off!"
Silence.
People sat down, slowly. Volmecke, unaware of the Cat Killings, had used his hep-talk to describe a player, another student named Lamansky, not the Cat Killer, making a great tackle. It was an unfortunate choice of words because hardly anyone had had Volmecke in class and most people thought he was indeed referring to the notorious Cat Killer. Gradually, titters of laughter burst out around the gym, and Volmekce got off quick. He only stayed at our school that one year. But people still tell the story of the Cat Killers and how Mr. Volmecke put his foot in his mouth in the most glorious fashion.
If you want to know that I didn't make this up, click here.
My sophomore year was the most exciting year of high school because it was the year of the Cat Killings. You might have heard about it--it was on the national news and Dateline and crap like that. Four senior hooligans--you know the type--got liquored up, broke into a local animal shelter and bludgeoned about twenty cats with baseball bats. It was not pretty. Uproar followed and animal rights activists and television crews invaded our town. However, the Cat Killers got off pretty easy in the end, and I'm not sure what happened to them in the long run. They are probably working at K-Marts or selling cars. The only Cat Killer's name I can remember is Lamansky, because it pertains to this story.
As I recall, the Cat Killings happened in the summer, and that fall we had this new English teacher named Mr. Volmecke (VOL-meck-y). He was straight out of college and used to wrestle and was in fact a wrestling coach at our high school. This is the only time I have heard of an English teacher doubling as a wrestling coach. He had black hair and big shoulders and thought he was Cab Calloway. He was always saying, "That guy was one cool cat," and other jive talk that sounded ridiculous. Needless to say, I didn't like him and mocked him at every opportunity. I mean, this was the guy teaching us Julius Caesar.
He didn't like me either but I don't blame him. He could sense my loathing. But don't blame me because I was just a smart-ass sixteen-year-old who had my own problems. I had skinny legs.
So it's homecoming. There's a big pep rally on Friday afternoon in the gym that we're all forced to attend. Mr. Volmecke has been asked to speak and is doing so, insanely. He's in full jive-talk mode, saying the football team was going to be riffin' on those yard-dogs and whatnot. He waved his arms and his eyes burned with hysteria. The crowd was into it and yelling and stamping. Volmecke screamed, "And I want you guys to cheer like crazy when Lamansky takes some cat's head off!"
Silence.
People sat down, slowly. Volmecke, unaware of the Cat Killings, had used his hep-talk to describe a player, another student named Lamansky, not the Cat Killer, making a great tackle. It was an unfortunate choice of words because hardly anyone had had Volmecke in class and most people thought he was indeed referring to the notorious Cat Killer. Gradually, titters of laughter burst out around the gym, and Volmekce got off quick. He only stayed at our school that one year. But people still tell the story of the Cat Killers and how Mr. Volmecke put his foot in his mouth in the most glorious fashion.
If you want to know that I didn't make this up, click here.
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